5 weird things I wish I was paid to do

Last week I wrote 5 Secret Confessions in which I detailed things I really can’t stand doing and need intense self-bribing in order to accomplish. This week, I dive into the weird, slightly OCD things I wish I was paid to do. This is a non-exhaustive list so no judging.

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Read books

Can someone please pay me to read books – not any and every book, just the books I’m interested in reading and enjoy reading. My “to-read” pile is ever growing and increasing while my time to read is quickly diminishing.

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Purge and organize

Ask anyone in my closest sphere of family and friends and they will probably share their traumatic April-induced-purging experience with you. Something in me rises up when there are piles and boxes and corners full of disorganized, untidy messes. Growing up, my sisters definitely felt the brunt of this passion. Is it too late to apologize? Either way, leave me alone with an untidy mess and nothing will give me more satisfaction than bringing order to that room – at the expense of throwing too many things away! Can I pre-apologize to my kids and all they will have to endure?

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Eat salt & vinegar chips

They’re not healthy and I’m fully aware of that, but open that bag, my mouth starts to water, and I eat those like it’s my job. Is there such a thing as a paid taste tester of salt & vinegar chips? I’m pretty sure I qualify as a connoisseur with the amount of times my tongue and the roof of my mouth have become raw from consumption. Side note: my sister and I used to have apple cider vinegar drinking competitions to see who could stomach the most before ending up in the fetal position rolling on the floor in pain.

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Be paid to buy every cute paper product at Target, Paperchase, and any other stationary stores

No one knows or understands the agony of following me around Target or any other store with beautiful paper products better than my long-suffering and patient husband. During our time in the UK, Josh was legitimately justified in complaining about the amount of time spent at Paperchase. Rather than exploring more sites or soaking in the culture, I went to this haven for notebook, sticky note, clipboard loving 4 times in 5 days. It’s a serious problem, friends.

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Take naps

I wish I could place all the blame on my kids for my love of naps, but honestly, since college I’ve wished to become a professional napper. The problem is, I also love reading (see paragraph above) and purging and organizing (also see paragraph above). These two other obsessions often find find themselves in direct conflict with my deep love of napping. If I were paid to do each of these things, I could easily fit them all into my day and every problem would be solved. Can I get an amen?

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